


hiraeth

by katsuk1



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 13:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7936594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsuk1/pseuds/katsuk1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"what would you do if i died today?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ethereal

**Author's Note:**

> hiraeth; (n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

chapter one;

_**e t h e r e a l**_

Jisung had a knack for being able to put a smile on anyone’s face. Even when the skies were gray and an all-too-thick silence fell upon them, he was there to slice through it, reaching the other side with a tired grin still plastered on his face. 

If you asked any of the boys to describe Jisung with a word, it’d be _ethereal._

_“Well, what part of him is ethereal?”_

_“Every part.”_

Jisung was the glue that kept them together, even if at the end of the day there was no glue to keep _him_ together and even if every piece he fixes of someone else, he has to take a piece away from himself to do so. 

“I don’t understand why you can’t just live with one of us while your mom deals with everything.” Donghyuck leans back on the couch of their secret hiding place, throwing a piece of popcorn into his mouth. Their secret hiding place wasn’t quite secret, as it’s placed in the middle of Mark’s backyard up atop a tree. It was built for his tenth birthday and the gang had been using it ever since.

“You know I can’t just leave my mom like that.” Jisung sighs and mirrors Donghyuck, resting his head upon Mark’s shoulder. “If I leave, she’ll… You know what.” 

“Just because she’ll be the one getting hit doesn’t mean you deserve to be in place of her.” Jaemin huffs, frustrated and tired with every excuse Jisung’s managed to come up with. “Look, c’mere.” He uses his hand to motion for the boy. Jisung sighs and hesitantly stands up, already knowing what he’s going to do. 

Jaemin rolls up Jisung’s sweater sleeve, revealing black and purple bruises that decorate his entire arm and Jisung prays he stops there but he’s not finished. Much to Jisung’s discontent, Jaemin lifts the front side of his sweater and cringes when he sees the bruise on his stomach.

“Holy shit.” Mark mumbles, staring wide-eyed at Jisung.

“Holy shit, indeed.” Jaemin agrees quietly. “Did you get that-?”

“Yesterday,” Jisung finishes for him bitterly, pulling away from his grip harshly. “Yesterday.” 

He walks back to his spot on the couch and plops down, lips pursed and arms crossed over his chest. 

“I’m sorry Sungie.” Jaemin’s facial expressions soften like melted chocolate and his words are softer than any cloud, It makes Jisung smile.

“It’s okay. Let’s just forget about it.”

The boys hum lowly in agreement and the topic dies.

For today, at least.

 

Jisung is always blunt and nothing will ever change that. It’s one of the things that make him Jisung.

It’s not a big surprise to the boys when Jisung texts them something out of the blue but this time, it’s different.

_**“what would you do if i died today?”**_

The message makes Jaemin pause in the middle of the sidewalk, air suddenly becoming too cold for it to be comfortable. His grip on his backpack tightens and from the corner of his eye, he can see dead leaves crumple to the ground. It makes Jaemin uneasy.

_**“what do you mean what would i do? kid, how would we even function without you? don’t joke about things like these, i’m not buying you bubble tea next time >.**_

Jaemin waits patiently for Jisung’s response but nothing comes, even after his message is read. He thinks nothing of it and continues his path back home in the crisp autumn wind but he can’t help but feel like something’s wrong, a wretched feeling gluing itself to his stomach.

 

Jeno’s reaction is almost identical to Jaemin’s. The message pops up while Jeno’s working on a homework assignment, books scattered across his bed, music softly blaring around his room. He stares at the message for a good minute, unsure how to approach this properly.

_**“what are you planning, sungie? we can’t survive without ya kiddo. love you, don’t do anything dumb”**_

Jeno knows his response makes Jisung smile but he doesn’t understand why Jisung never messages him back. 

_**“you there sungie?”**_

He tries one last time but to no avail. He shrugs it off hesitantly, returning to his studies.

 

Donghyuck earns himself a few ticked-off stares, notification popping up at full volume, disturbing the still, silence of the library. He mutters to himself about punching whoever sent him the message but he changes his mind when he sees who it is. 

_**“park jisung, if you do anything dumb or stupid i’ll never forgive you. i better see you tomorrow, love you.”**_

Donghyuck prays that Jisung understands how serious he is, especially after he added the _love you_ part. He attempts to go back to reading but all he can think about is Jisung and what might happen to him. But maybe it’s just an out of the blue question. He hopes it is.

 

Chenle’s shutting his fridge door when he feels his phone vibrate in his jean pocket. He sets down his bottle of some type of soda his mother got at the store and pulls out his device, mood immediately darkening at the message.

_**“please don’t do anything stupid. we need you, okay? we need you now and we’ll need you in fifty years. we love you. don’t do anything stupid.”**_

He waits for his response, jumping up on a kitchen counter and making himself comfortable. After five minutes, he realizes Jisung isn’t going to respond, the read under his message mocking him. Still, he waits until he comes to the conclusion that it’s useless. He can’t help but feel like something’s terribly wrong. And he’s probably right. 

 

Renjun has to wait for his mother to leave the room before he can even do anything besides play the piano. As soon as she leaves, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, face brightening up when he sees Jisung’s contact name. The smile on his face falters and fades into confusion as he rereads the text over and over again.

_**“what do you mean jisungie?”**_

His mother walks in again and he begrudgingly places his phone back in his pocket, dreading the next half hour. After she lets him stop, he watches her silhouette carefully as it slips out of the room. Renjun takes out his phone as fast as he could but was left with even more questions when he realizes Jisung never responded, leaving his message as seen. 

_**“why aren’t you answering me?”**_

Renjun tries again, shifting uncomfortably on the piano bench. When another minute passes by and Jisung still hasn’t responded, Renjun decides to answer him.

_**“what would i do if you died? … i don’t know but it wouldn’t be easy. it’s never easy living after someone (or something) has stopped. especially if it’s a best friend. the simple answer is: nothing. i can’t do anything no matter how much i wanted to. but i’d miss you. and so would everyone else. don’t do anything dumb”**_

It brings a bittersweet smile to Jisung’s face and creates a permanent frown on Renjun’s.

 

Mark wasn’t alarmed. Not at the slightest bit. It wasn’t a big surprise that Jisung came to him for a lot of secrets that he didn’t want to worry the other boys about. It’s always been this way and Mark wouldn’t have it any other way. Even so, he couldn’t help but think that maybe this time Jisung was serious. He pushes the thought away and stores it in the back of his mind. That’s something he can worry about later.

_**“sungie, how would we even live without you? we wouldn’t even be living. we’d be alive and that’s all we’d be. a life without you is an awful one, you got that? call me tonight or something if you need me, don’t do anything stupid. love you, kid”**_

Mark reads over his message one last time before tossing his phone away.

 

Mark wakes up to someone shaking him frantically and he hears everything before he sees it.

“Mark, Mark!” 

He hums, rubbing his eyes. “What is it, Jeno?” He opens his eyes properly and meets his best friend’s. Jeno’s the most distressed Mark’s ever seen him and his grip on his shoulders are slowly tightening. Jeno doesn’t have to say anything else before Mark realizes what’s happened. He tosses the sheets off and bolts down the stairs in his pajamas, Jeno trailing after him.

The two of them bolt down the streets, autumn air slapping the two of them across the face but neither of them can find it in themselves to care. By the time they get to Jisung’s house, the rest of the boys are all there. Except for Jisung. The six of them witness something that’ll scar them for years on end, something that sends chills down their spines no matter how much time they’ve been given to heal.

Jisung’s mother is hysterical, sobs wracking her body as she holds a body being pulled away by paramedics on a stretcher. 

All of them stare at the scene unfolding in front of them and you’d expect at least one of them to break down in tears but all that came out of them was shock.

Their faces were emotionless and all of them stood still, even after the ambulance drove away. Mark grits his teeth together, fists tightening at his side, fighting the urge to scream. He swallows thickly and feels his heart drop to his stomach when he realizes he isn’t dreaming.

“This isn’t happening.” Jaemin mutters. Whether it’s to himself or the group, they’ll never know. 

“I think it is.” Chenle clenches his jaw and shivers. It seems as if even the weather is against them today, the wind stabbing at their hearts and skin.

Mark feels like throwing up.

 

Their secret hiding place is silent, too silent. Everything feels awkward and out of place. It feels like they’re missing a puzzle piece that they once had. 

“Guys…” Renjun tries, voice cracking as he fails to contain the tears he’s been trying to hold back. 

“There’s no point.” Jaemin chuckles and it feels more sad and bitter than anything. “He’s dead.”

“What if he’s not?” Chenle whispers, tugging at the end of his own sweater nervously, chewing on his bottom lip. Their eyes fix themselves on the now youngest boy in the room but Chenle’s not looking at them, gaze trained on the floor anxiously.

“He’s dead.” Jaemin repeats, leaning back on the couch and shutting his eyes like he wants everything to go away because he does. He’d rather do anything than dwell over the death of his best friend. He feels the tears build up in his eyes and he furiously wipes at them, refusing to cry. There’s nothing to cry over. No amount of tears will bring Jisung back. He keeps rubbing his eyes, willing the overwhelming feeling of dread to leave him be but nothing works. Nothing ever works. 

“I need to get out of here.” Jaemin rises abruptly from his seat and prepares to climb down. 

“You can’t leave us here.” Jeno argues, reaching out to grab Jaemin’s arm, only for it to be yanked away.

“Jisung did it. And I will too. Temporarily.” Jaemin’s eyes dart around the room. “I’ll be back.” 

 

He never comes back.

 

The five of them meet up at their hiding place everyday after school but it’s not the same anymore. They always wonder if Jaemin’s going to show up or if Jisung might magically appear again. They know better but the aching feeling in their heart tells them to believe that it’s going to happen. Someday. One day. 

One by one, they all start leaving, promising they’ll come back the next day but they never do. 

They’re all liars. 

Mark and Donghyuck are the last ones remaining, dedicated to stay together even if everybody’s decided to leave. At least, Mark was.

“You’re leaving too, huh?” Mark laughs bitterly as he sees Donghyuck get up and move towards the exit. “I figured.”

The air was too thick for Donghyuck to breathe and he felt like he was suffocating. Despite Mark's words being directed at Donghyuck, he wasn’t looking at him.

“I’m sorry, Mark.” Donghyuck’s voice is soft but his words are like venom, digging into Mark’s head and latching on.

“I’m sorry too.” 

For the first time since Jisung’s death, Donghyuck sees Mark cry and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t break his heart. He licks his lips and sighs, taking one last look at his former best friend, climbing down the tree. 

 

The last time they see each other is at Jisung’s funeral.


	2. hiraeth

chapter two;

_**h i r a e t h**_

Despite their attempts to avoid each other for the rest of their lives, it didn’t mean they didn’t think of each other. How could they not when everything reminds them of each other? They’ve spent every moment of their lives together at this school and there’s not a spot where they haven’t touched. It was awful and beautiful all at once and it terrified the five of them.

 

Jeno taps his fingers impatiently on his wooden desk, glancing at the ticking clock every so often. Time seems to drag on and at one point, he’s pretty sure it slowed down. He tries to concentrate on his work but his eyes drift onto anything but his work. He looks up at the empty seat in front of him and he can’t help but feel like Jisung should’ve been there, despite their grade difference. 

_You’re an idiot._

_He isn’t even in the same class as you._

_Wasn’t_ , he tries correcting himself but he’s afraid that another piece will break off of him if he tries. _Wasn’t._ He tries again. Jeno inhales sharply in an attempt to calm himself but all that does is remind him of Jisung. 

 

_**“Sungie, oh my god.” Mark rushed over to the boy limping into the hiding place and as soon as he heard the voice, Jisung grinned but not before he winced in pain.**_

_**“Holy shit, Sungie are you okay?” Donghyuck mimicked Mark and carried Jisung onto the couch. He placed him down gently before he lifted up his shirt, revealing the blood that oozed out of his side.** _

_**“Fuck, you’re bleeding. Oh my god,” Jaemin held Jisung’s face in his hands, swallowing a cry and letting it die in his throat. “I’m going to kill him.”** _

_**“I think you should focus on making sure I don’t die first.” Jisung chuckled but it made everything feel worse. “It hurts so much Minnie.” The whimper slipped out of his mouth before he could stop it.** _

_**“I’m getting my parents.” Mark stood up, fists clenched at his sides. Anger radiated off him, startling Jisung.** _

_**“Please, please don’t tell them. Please. They’ll take me away. They’ll leave mom alone with him.” Jisung spoke in whimpers, sobs threatening to take over with every word he spoke.** _

_**“Sungie, stop talking. You’re gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Jaemin fought back tears, reaching down to grab his best friend’s hand. He squeezed it tightly as if it was to reassure Jisung but he was trying to reassure himself more than anything.** _

_**“Sungie, I gotta tell them and get you to a hospital.” Mark took a shaky breath and rubbed furiously at his eyes. “I’ll be back.” He disappeared down the tree and left the four of them to tend to Jisung.** _

_**“Just breathe, Sungie, breath.” Jeno whispered quietly, taking his hand that wasn’t being held by Jaemin. He watches the younger’s chest rise and fall slowly but surely. At one point, Jisung exhaled and let out a loud sob, welcoming the rest of them to slip out. Jeno tightened his grip on his hand and prayed to all the Gods that came to mind that his best friend wouldn’t die right then and there. “Breathe, breathe, breathe.”** _

_**Jisung’s chest heaved up and down rapidly, attempting to suck in any air he could manage to.** _

_**It broke their heart.** _

 

“Dude, class is over.” 

Jeno blinks a couple times, looking up at his classmate. He nods slowly, mumbling a quiet thanks. He gets up hesitantly but he doesn’t know what’s making him do so. He can’t get the scene out of his head, replaying it over and over again. The images of their worried faces crowded Jeno’s mind and became all he could think of. 

Jeno grits his teeth and slams his locker closed, banishing the thoughts out of his head.

 

“Jaemin, do you want anything?” 

“Hm?” Jaemin made eye contact with his classmate before he grins, “Yeah, just get me bubble tea.”

“What flavour?”

“Straw…” Jaemin pauses and purses his lips, eyes trailing to the floor, unable to process any words.

“Straw… Berry?” His classmate finishes for him, unsure. “You okay, Jae?”

“Oh? Uh, yeah man. I’m fine. It’s nothing. Thanks.” Jaemin grins again, less enthusiastic this time. He shoves his hands in his coat pockets, staring outside at the falling snow. It brings a bitter smile to his face.

 

_**“I still don’t understand why you don’t get hot chocolate or something. Strawberry bubble tea is so cold. Too cold for winter.” Jaemin grinned and pinched Jisung’s cheek, making the younger boy smile wide.**_

_**“Minnie, Minnie, Minnie, when will you ever learn?” Jisung ran a hand through his hair, getting rid of the snowflakes that had used his head as a landing pad. His mittens got in the way and Jaemin laughed as he watched his best friend who desperately shook off his left mitten. He ran his hand through his hair once more. “Strawberry bubble tea is an all-year thing.”** _

_**“Just strawberry?” asked Jaemin, smile too wide to be healthy. He glanced down at Jisung who didn’t seem to notice instead too busy trying to catch snowflakes in his naked hand.** _

_**“Of course!” Jisung exclaimed, eyes still fixated on his own hand.** _

_**“What’s with you and strawberry, dude?” Jaemin laughed and swung an arm around the younger’s shoulder. His question made Jisung finally look up at him and to Jaemin’s surprise, he was still smiling.** _

_**“My mom used to buy me strawberries all the time. I’d eat them twenty-four seven. I still eat them twenty-four seven. Just in different forms.” Jisung’s smile slipped into a grin and Jaemin felt a soft smile grow on his face.** _

_**He didn’t know how to respond and instead, he took his hand out of his pocket to ruffle Jisung’s hair. Jisung closed his eyes and his smile was almost identical to Jaemin’s.** _

_**The two of them stood in the falling snow in peace.** _

 

“Here’s your drink, Jae.” 

“Oh, uh… Thanks man.” Jaemin is taken aback at the sudden memory and cringes as he touches his drink. “Sorry, I don’t feel good at all. I gotta go home. I’ll pay you back next time, promise.” Jaemin grins one last time before bolting out of the cafe, leaving his classmate in a cloud of confusion. 

He keeps running until he can barely move, lungs burning and legs giving out. It hurts physically but at least it doesn’t hurt emotionally.

 

Donghyuck pants as he finally slows down, his run becoming a walk. Music plays in his ears as he stops at their local park, deciding to take a break from his jog. He runs a hand through his sweaty hair and drops down on the bench, exhausted. His head lolls over and he catches a glimpse of a few kids sliding down the slide together, one behind the other, backs pressed to the stomach of the person sat behind them. Donghyuck smiles at the sight. He watches the three of them slide down altogether, laughing and giggling the entire way down. 

 

_**“C’mon Hyuck, it’ll be fun!” Jisung whined, a pout plastered on his face. Donghyuck sighs and rolls his eyes, a smile threatened to take over his frown.**_

_**“No Sungie. I don’t wanna get crushed by you two nerds.” A grin finally decorated Donghyuck’s face when he sees both Jisung and Chenle whine.** _

_**“You won’t, we’re light, you know we are!” Chenle crossed his arms across his chest, his pout matching Jisung’s.** _

_**Donghyuck finally cracked and sighed, shaking his head. “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with.” His tone said he was annoyed but his laugh that erupted from his chest as the boys dragged him away said otherwise.** _

_**They’re sat at the top of the slide, Jisung sandwiched between Donghyuck and Chenle. Donghyuck sighed one last time before he spoke.** _

_**“Alright, are you ready?”** _

_**Although he couldn’t see them, Chenle and Jisung nodded. When Donghyuck felt a pair of arms snake around his waist, he laughed before he held onto Jisung’s hands.** _

_**The three of them go down the slide together in fits of laughter and as they reached the bottom, Jisung pressed his face to Donghyuck’s back. Laughter shook through his body and his grip on Donghyuck’s waist tightened.** _

_**“I’m never doing this again.” Despite his own words, Donghyuck was still laughing.** _

_**“What do you mean, of course you are!” Chenle stretched his arm as far as it would go and poked at Donghyuck’s side, causing him to jolt up.** _

_**“How dare you!” Donghyuck shrieked, voice raised an octave. Jisung is laughing even harder than before. It brought a smile to Donghyuck and Chenle’s face.** _

_**Donghyuck leaned back in an attempt to crush Chenle but all he succeeds in is crushing Jisung.** _

_**“Hyuck, Hyuck, you’re killing me!” Jisung gasped in between laughter. He smacked Donghyuck’s shoulder multiple times until he gave out and his back straightened again. “I’m getting off of this thing before Hyuck murders me. Chen, c’mon!” Jisung jumped off the slide and stuck out a hand for his best friend, the two of them began to run away from the eldest boy.** _

_**“Hey, come back! I’m going to throw you in a pond after I catch you guys!” Donghyuck chased after them, sand gritting under his feet as he did so. A smile painted itself on his face when he noticed the two of them holding hands. He sped up as soon as he saw the two of them do so, tired and out of breath. He bolted towards the two of them and tackled them down. All three of them landed on the grass, laughter being the only thing that came out of their mouths.** _

_**They lay there in the summer sun, tired yet still soaking in every single moment that they’re spending together.** _

_**Donghyuck doesn’t remember the last time he’s had this much fun.** _

 

“Dumb kids.” He whispers to himself, nails digging into his own palm. The memory took a toll on him. He’s been doing everything to try and forget his friendship with the other six but something always happens and he’s back at square one.

His nails dig deeper than he intended to and his palms begin to bleed.

He lets them. 

 

“Ahhh, open your mouth Ren!”

“No, oh my god!” Renjun laughs and shoves his friend’s hand away, along with the fry in it. “Don’t feed me I’m not five!” Him and four of his friends are in the middle of a busy fast food restaurant after school, winding down and trying to relax. Keyword, _trying._

“C’mon Ren!” His friend laughs loudly before shoving the fry in Renjun’s mouth despite his protests. He shoots a glare at his friend before chomping down on the fry, going back to his own food. He stares down at his pizza, about to lift it to his mouth when a sudden memory shocks through him.

 

_**“I’m not a little kid! Stop feeding me, oh my god guys.” Jisung shrieked before he shoved Renjun’s hand away from his mouth. A laugh bubbled in Jisung’s chest.**_

_**“You’ll always be our little kid.” Renjun grinned and pulled at one of Jisung’s cheek before he attempted to feed his best friend again. “Open up.”** _

_**“No!” Jisung shrieked once again, a smile danced on his face. He shuffled under the table and squeezed between Mark and Donghyuck. The seven of them laughed at Jisung’s actions and Renjun shook his head, a wide smile graced itself on his face, his eyes twinkled with determination.** _

_**“I’m gonna feed you either way, Sungie.” A laugh rumbled through Renjun as he leaned over to Jisung who closed his mouth stubbornly.** _

_**“Ahhhhh,” Renjun laughed at himself and at the sight of Mark holding Jisung down, making sure he wouldn’t go anywhere.** _

_**“I’m not-!” Jisung opened his mouth for a split second and Renjun took the chance to stick the ball of chocolate in his mouth.** _

_**“I don’t need you to feed me, Ren.” Jisung laughed as he switched back to his original seat. Renjun ruffled his hair and Jisung leaned into his hand, eyes closed in a blissful state like he wouldn’t have his life any other way.** _

 

_Like he wouldn’t have his life any other way._

The line runs through Renjun’s head repeatedly. He tries to smile because after all, it was a happy memory. He can’t muster the courage to smile and instead he feels tears fill to the brim in his eyes. He tangles his hands into his shirt bottom, taking shaky breaths to calm himself down. He rubs at his eyes to rid them of any traces of tears and shoves pizza in his mouth to stop any pitiful noise from escaping. 

He thought it’d help but the feeling of sobs crawling up his throat never go away.

They stay in his throat to haunt him for the rest of the day.

 

“Mom, I’m gonna go to the candy aisle.” Chenle tugs at his mother’s sleeve to get her attention. She looks down at him and smiles, nodding.

“I’ll wait for you here then.” She says softly, running a hand through his hair. It was supposed to be loving but all Chenle can feel is the pity radiating off of her. 

She knows how hard it’s been on him and she’s been doing everything she can but everything she can isn’t enough. Chenle would never voice this, of course. She was trying her best. 

_Jisung’s mom was trying her best too_ , Chenle thinks bitterly. _We saw how well that turned out_. Chenle shakes the thought out of his head. It wasn’t Jisung’s mother’s fault. It wasn’t. 

He walks slowly down the aisle filled with candy and chips. He pauses at the very end of the aisle, staring at the Pocky that stood cleanly and prettily on the shelves. He reaches for a box of strawberry flavoured ones hesitantly, afraid that any little movement will make him cry from nostalgia. He grabs it and holds it tightly, almost crushing it under his pressure.

 

_**Chenle watched Jisung as he gnawed through another pocket of strawberry flavoured Pocky happily, humming in content as he did so. An early morning Saturday cartoon played in the background on Chenle’s TV and the sun peaked through his curtains, just enough to light up his living room. The two of them were sat in their pajamas on the couch.**_

_**“Do you want one?” Jisung asked and pulled out a long stick of Pocky for his friend.** _

_**Chenle laughed and shook his head. “I’m okay, Sungie.”** _

_**“I know you want one~” Jisung teased in a sing-song voice. He waved the Pocky in front of Chenle’s face, a big smile on his own.** _

_**“No, oh my god, I’m okay!” Chenle laughed harder and pushed his best friend’s hand away gently. It made Jisung pout but that didn’t last very long. Jisung proceeded to stick one side of the Pocky in his mouth before he leaned over to Chenle, as if he was trying to silently tell him to put his mouth on the other side.** _

_**“Jisung, I love you but not enough to pepero kiss with you, oh my god.” Chenle shook his head, his stomach beginning to ache from all the laughing. Still, Jisung persisted and kept leaning closer, a big smile stuck on his face.** _

_**When Chenle realized Jisung was a force to be reckoned with and that he wouldn’t stop until Chenle took a bite, he leaned over and bit half of the Pocky stick off.** _

_**Jisung tilted his head backwards, letting the rest of the Pocky fall into his mouth.** _

_**“I told you you wanted one.”** _

 

Chenle glances down at the box of Pocky in his hand. He smiles but he can’t help but feel that it’s anything but happy. He laughs a bit when he replays the scene of Jisung trying to do the pepero kiss with him again, earning a few weird stares but he can’t find it in himself to care. 

He grabs an extra box of Pocky before he returns to his mother. 

 

Mark has to pass Jisung’s house every time he goes home. 

There are other routes he can take but something in him screams at him to take the one that gives him the most heartache. Jisung’s house stays the same despite the season changes and it looks too sad for Mark’s taste. He tries to pry his eyes away but he can’t. He runs the rest of the way home.

 

When Mark rolls over to check the time, he realizes it’s three am and he still hasn’t slept a wink. Mark isn’t frustrated but he wished it wasn’t like this. He always overthinks things during the time he’s supposed to be asleep and being wide awake for hours in bed gives someone a lot of time to do so. He had no one to talk to about anything. 

He stopped talking to his friends and anybody he did still talk to were the throw-away ones. The ones he went to when he needed to feel some validation that yes, he was able to be liked and he was able to interact with other human beings. 

None of them would understand anything Mark was going through. 

 

_**“Mark,” whispered Jisung in the middle of the night. He wasn’t expecting a response but he had to try.**_

_**“Yeah, Sungie?”** _

_**Jisung slept over at his house quite a lot and Mark never minded. How could he?** _

_**“Why aren’t you asleep?” Jisung asked, turning over in his bed to look at his best friend. Mark rolled over to turn on a lamp and as soon as he does, it illuminates the entire room, brightening up Jisung’s face.** _

_**“I could ask you the same thing. You okay? Why are you sweating? Are you sick?” Mark bombared the younger with too many questions. When Jisung didn’t answer any of them, Mark leaned over to press a hand to Jisung’s forehead. “You’re burning up.”** _

_**“I had the dream again.” Jisung grabbed Mark’s wrist and that’s when Mark noticed his hands were shaking. “The one where I go home and see my mom on the floor in a pool of her own blood and I can’t do anything except stare at her corpse and the only way I can wake myself up is killing myself and I keep thinking about what happens if it becomes real and I-”** _

_**“Slow down Sungie, slow down.” Mark pulled Jisung into a hug and pressed his head to his chest. The slow beating of Mark’s heart soothed Jisung. “It’s never going to happen. And you, you are never ever going to kill yourself. You got that?”** _

_**Sobs wrack through Jisung’s small body and Mark can feel him shake in his arms. “Okay.” Jisung spoke shakily and Mark can hear him inhale sharply. “Okay.” He repeats, body stilling. The two of them stay like that until they both start to drift off. The last thing Mark hears is Jisung’s timid voice.** _

_**“Thank you.”** _

 

Mark doesn’t realize there are tears streaming down his cheek until he turns his head to look at the side Jisung always sleeps on. He feels his breath being taken away when it finally hits him that Jisung will never sleep there again. He will never see Jisung laugh again or smile again. He won’t ever hear another one of Jisung’s bad jokes. He can’t ever make new memories with him. 

Mark sniffles and notices that more tears were escaping out of his eyes. He lets out a sob when he realizes Jisung won’t be with him every step of the way on his journey of life. Mark won’t ever see Jisung graduate or get his first girlfriend. He gnaws on his bottom lip to stop the sobs from escaping but it doesn’t work.

Mark thinks he sounds pitiful. 

His chest heaves up and down as he tries to regain his breath. He can’t stop thinking about how Jisung will never be beside Mark ever again. The harsh reality of everything dawns on Mark in the worst way possible; too quickly and all at once.

It feels like it’s too much to handle yet not enough for him to grasp on at the same time.

With an empty heart and dried tears on his face, Mark looks to the empty side of his bed once again before he pulls the covers over his face, enveloping himself in darkness.


End file.
